Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
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Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
I’m sorry I said take me to church because I needed a ride to the liquor store nearby.
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography