*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
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[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
8yo: daddy what’s your best talent?
me: hmm I don’t know, maybe being a dad?
8yo: no that’s not it
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
My favourite school memory?
Once during sex ed the teacher said ‘some of you won’t ever need to know this’ and everyone turned to look at me
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
fired
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.