Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
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Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside