Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Yelp review: This forest is so full of trees you can’t see a damn thing. Also, bugs. 0/10
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
Okay, I’m still confused…
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.