Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.

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There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.


Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends


“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”



i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it


My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”

Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!


I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.


SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”


Of course you can trust me with your secret.

*Calls local news team


Me: how much for the goth harmonica?

Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater


I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.