There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
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Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.