I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
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The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I don’t care where I am, if I see a car that looks like a friend’s car I’m going to assume they’re in it. Like I could be in North Korea and if I saw a white Toyota Camry I’d be like oh shit is that my boy Greg?
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.