2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
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I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait