due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
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Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?
Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day