Imagine having a party on purpose.
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me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Just made eye contact with my hot neighbor through the window
Wish I didn’t have 6 marshmallows in my mouth.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
When your man makes a valid point
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
fair
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.