3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
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[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
“There are 2 seats. Which one do you want?”
“Right one for me.”
“And you?”
“Am I left with any choice?”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
me when the borders lift
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.
As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice