Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
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A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
[Jesus on the cross]
*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”
*5 hrs pass*
“new phone. who dis?”
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
My time has come.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.