In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
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Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!
-You mean pinched
[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]
It’s pinched?
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
…u ok Nintendo?
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER