In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
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INTERVIEWER: Says here you have sloth-like reflexes?
ME: *calls interviewer 3 years later* That is correct.
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
“Spirits, are you there?”
[ouija board] IF YOU LIKE IT THEN YOU SHOULDA PUT A RING ON IT
“Damn it, we’ve held a séaoncé again!”
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
No Olympian will ever be better at medaling than the gang on Scooby Doo.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday