and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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what could possibly go wrong?
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Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
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The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing