me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
You Might Also Like
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
No I don’t want your man. I’m not even sure why you want your man.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
Those are good neighbors.
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*