ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
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I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Effort made
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.