Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
RT if you could go either way.
Remember folks 😂
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
December birthdays be like…
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I want to go back in time and find pre-kid me who thinks she is “so busy” and “so tired.” And I want to smack her.
*orders delivery*
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.