Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.
*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic