@longwall26

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

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@HushJared

Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough

@thDRAGnrebOrN

“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.

@ghostkrogh

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

@Shen_the_Bird

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

@DukeLemoyne

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

@AimeeHelene1

At 36, I still have no idea what to do with my hands when I’m in front of a group of people.

*hands on hips*
*hands in air*
*does macarena*

@occupied_stall

I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..

@lazerdoov

Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic