I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
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[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
the three branches of government
opening a flower shop called women in stem
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Rather alarming headline…
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.