opening a flower shop called women in stem
You Might Also Like
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Breaking news: