opening a flower shop called women in stem
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
*Someone sends me a 4 minute video*
me: [42 seconds later] wow that’s so awesome thanks for sharing!
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality![]()
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breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Saw a car with a bumper sticker that said “I love my wife” and all I could think was WHAT did this dude DO??
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Why do men named Bartholomew go by Bart when they could go by Mew?