breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
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The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.