Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
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If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I stuck a “Baby On Board” sign on my minivan to warn the other drivers how fussy and tantrum-y I get when traffic’s bad or I miss my nap.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Boss: We’re doing a role-playing exercise today
Me: *dressed as a sexy nurse* Hell yeah
Boss: My office please
Me: Ooooh
Boss: Not like that
Body by cheese-puffs.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”