RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
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I drew y’all a little something.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I didn’t know imposter syndrome was contagious, but my boss also thinks I’m terrible at my job.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.