ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
You Might Also Like
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
Feel. He’s so soft.
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb
Guy: *combing teeth* thanks
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”