me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
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My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Don’t drink water and stay hydrated it’s a hoax
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat