5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
I bought a CD today.
Now I’m waiting for my carriage to take me home, because I have laundry to do at the river and butter to churn.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
Happens to everyone.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves