What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
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12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows