Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
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My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
I’ve been drinking.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Ape together strong
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president