Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
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If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
I don鈥檛 personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
Going to church you guys need anything
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 馃ぃ
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
Washing machine doesn鈥檛 give a shit
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out