Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
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My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Science memes
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.