Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
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There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
😬
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I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
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Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking