Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
You Might Also Like
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday