[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
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*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Finally, an instrument I can play!
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Doctors offices be like hi we’ll take you right in the room take your vitals and then leave you in there for 2 hours.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.