*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
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Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: *Removing my guinea pig’s party hat and covering its ears* On Guineth Paltrow’s birthday?
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
english majors be like furthermore
When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“It’s gonna taste really good.” – excerpt from the guide What To Expect When You’re Expecting Pizza
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind