Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
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Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
I told some friends yesterday that I was going to make seven-layer magic cookie bars and one of my friends said, “oh I can’t make those bc if I do I will eat them until I’m sick” and privately I was like haha well that will not happen unto ME and now it is today and guess what
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
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Everyone pointing out that it’s suspicious how many AI tools are free, it’s because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.