If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.


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barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach


Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.


Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?


My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.


The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.


My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.


WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real


I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.


Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle


I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.