Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
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My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
50 shades of grey = my Liver
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think