My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
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If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?