The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
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Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
My ideal weight is five million dollars
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
thank god
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler