If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
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*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.