Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
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Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.