[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
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People who get lost in a book are so dumb. Like, the pages are literally numbered and in order.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.