[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
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Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
One time I went on a date with a women’s basketball coach and he told me that women’s basketball is so much more about the fundamentals, and I have no idea what that means, but I say it every time I watch women’s basketball with other people and all the guys nod in agreement.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes