I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Santa doesn’t check the naughty list anymore he just looks at your Twitter account.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
this is the best interaction on twitter
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee