@RYGdance People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
@bdbdleeroybrown I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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@RYGdance 
@KentWGraham I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
@Angibangie -If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
@bourgeoisalien Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
@WarrenHolstein Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
@ChicksRule Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
@StarWarsProblms Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
@imallwritecom Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
@Gupton68 establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
@RappaRick ”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour