I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
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Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
“Someone’s been sleeping in my bed!” said mommy bear. “Who hasn’t” muttered daddy bear. “What?! You wanna do this now, in front of the kid!”
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
How long before customers start noticing that the grill marks on their paninis were drawn on with a felt pen?
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator