Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
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“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.