i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
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[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Received some very disappointing news today
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
my gf: don’t tell my dad how we met
me: ok
[later]
her dad: so how did you two meet?me: *startled* I’ve never seen her before in my life
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
rapatouille
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
thought i was going straight into retirement after high school with all that beanie baby money.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager