WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
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“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
NEMESIS: i hate you
ME: i hate me too. and the enemy of my enemy is my friend
NEMESIS: so can you stay the night?
ME: i’ll ask my mom
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth