When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
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He died doing what he loved: being alive
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours