Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
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Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end