4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
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“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
king kong winces in agony after stepping on a lego store
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”