Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Bro what is this
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.