In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
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Guys…. Women aren’t hard….. And if they are… They aren’t Women.
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus