Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
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We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no